Let Me Be Brutally Honest

‼️This post will be a little different than usual. Probably longer and possibly triggering, but most definitely raw and real, so if you’re not into that, you can scroll to the end because I promise the ending will be brighter than the beginning. That’s kind of my thing. Or you can just skip it and wait until next week. Your call 😅

This week (8/11) marked the 33rd anniversary of the day I was paralyzed. If you didn’t already know, I was 15 when I was injured. I have lived a full, happy life. I am lucky to be surrounded by those who love and support me, and I am grateful for that 𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐘 𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐋𝐄 𝐃𝐀𝐘.

Every year, it gets harder to deal with, physically and emotionally. I usually get a little more emotional this time of year and spend much time reflecting.

👉🏼This is the point at which I’m going to be brutally honest with you, just as I have to be with myself sometimes. I’m sharing as openly as I can because I know many of you will be able to relate, and I believe it’s important to know you’re not alone.

I’ve been a little distant the last few weeks. It’s just been one of those times where I want to get away - to forget.

𝐁𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐟𝐮𝐜𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐝.

★It's times like this I just want to escape, but I can’t. I can’t escape because the only thing I want to get away from is myself - my physical self, anyway. I’ve been feeling like a prisoner in my own body - which is a pretty shitty feeling.

I want to be free to be me. I want my body to have the same freedom as my spirit. I don’t want to be confined and restrained by my physical self. I want to be able to express on the outside the woman who lives on the inside. Sure, I can do almost everything I want from this chair, but it is NOT the same.

⭐️Plenty of us want things we can’t have, though. That’s just a part of life. I'm not special.

⭐️My wheelchair is a constant reminder of everything I cannot do. It's continuously shoving in my face how I feel I am capable of so much more. Even when I get so close, it’s just outside my reach. I can’t just blend or do whatever it is like a “normal” person.

Even when my loved ones go above and beyond to keep me included and involved, which, again, I am eternally grateful for, it’s just not the same. Most of the time, it doesn’t bother me, but when it does, man, it fucking hurts.

That wheelchair is with me 24/7/365 - and thankfully so because without it, where would I be? I mean, most likely crying on a floor somewhere 😅, but seriously, it’s times like the last couple of weeks when I look at it with contempt and hate and wonder, “Why TF do I have to live like this?”

It’s also times like this when I have to look at that wheelchair as a symbol of my independence. I have to appreciate every single other part of my life that brings me joy. I have to remember how lucky I am to have those people around me who make that wheelchair feel invisible even when it’s all I can see.

⭐️And then I remember, really and truly, “Why TF I have to live like this”: 𝐁𝐄𝐂𝐀𝐔𝐒𝐄 𝐈 𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓 𝐓𝐎 𝐅𝐔𝐂𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐋𝐈𝐕𝐄.

I don’t just want to live; I want to 𝒕𝒉𝒓𝒊𝒗𝒆. I want to make the best of every day because, well, why not?

⭐️I have that choice - we all do. So I am telling you, take the chance. Be yourself. Be free to be the person 𝐘𝐎𝐔 want to be. Live your life the way 𝐘𝐎𝐔 want to live it. Don’t worry about what you’re “supposed to be doing,” what others expect of you, or who is watching because you never know what tomorrow will bring.

Being imprisoned by your physical body, if that is your situation, is bad enough, so it becomes even more important not to let emotional ties bind you.

⭐️Don’t imprison your mind in the same way you believe you’re trapped in your body. We can create our own little version of hell inside our own heads, which is darker and scarier than any physical ailment we may face - sometimes worse.

We are never actually trapped. We are never stuck. We never have to be a victim of our own circumstances. 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐈𝐒 𝐀 𝐂𝐇𝐎𝐈𝐂𝐄.

So yeah, life sucks sometimes. Shit happens. But if you’re breathing, you are 𝐅𝐑𝐄𝐄 𝐓𝐎 𝐂𝐇𝐎𝐎𝐒𝐄 𝐇𝐎𝐖 𝐓𝐎 𝐋𝐈𝐕𝐄. And "It's times like these we learn to live again."

It’s okay to take some time for reflection. It’s fine to take the time to feel those emotions that hide below the surface. But you have to keep going. You have to find the light, the glimmer of hope, those who shine all around you and silently root for you to win because they know how much you deserve it.

So I took that time. I had my moment. And now it’s time for me to pull on my big girl pants—even if I have to do it in my own special way because I can’t even do that like a “normal person.”

But guess what? Normal is boring anyway.

Jess 💕

‼️ If you can relate and don’t have anyone in your life who understands, click here and we can chat.

‼️PPS check out this other newsletter I think you might enjoy: